Psycho Shango

Last night I got the privilege of drag assisting for RuPaul’s Drag Race Season 2 star Jujubee. She is one of the sweetest, most fun people I’ve ever met. If you ever have a chance to see her, do it.

Love you, Juju!

It’s that time of year again! Time for ZOMBIES!!! Specifically, the annual zombie crawl in my city, complete with the $500 costume contest.

This is what I wore:

If you can’t figure out what that is, it’s a pregnant zombie nun with a two-headed demon fetus bursting out of its stomach.

The costume took about a week to make, and the day-of makeup took about five hours. I did it mostly myself, with some help from my wonderful friend Michael, who had volunteered to be my assistant for the night.

Closeup of my lovely face. The tongue is a latex piece that I bought from a costume store (for shame, I know). The eye is a mixture of liquid latex and rice krispies, covered in fake blood. The cross was stuck in a piece of foam that we wrapped around my head with wire, so it actually sticks straight out.

Now, kids. Let me teach you something. When you do this makeup on your eye, you glue a piece of bald cap around your eye as a protective barrier between your face and the liquid latex. And you know what else you put in it? You put a GODDAMN PIECE OF TISSUE between the cap and your eye. Guess what I forgot to do that night? Yeah. I forgot the tissue. Guess what happened? Liquid latex and prosthetic adhesive leaked into my eye. MY EYE. Y’know that feeling you get when you accidentally get shampoo in your eyes in the shower? It feels like that. Only for FOUR. FUCKING. HOURS. It didn’t start stinging until we’d already gotten there, and I couldn’t take the eyepiece off because it was glued to my face. If I had ripped it off, I wouldn’t have been able to get it back on, and the costume would have been ruined. So I was left with the only alternative: I cried. For four hours. It didn’t help my eye, it just hurt so much that I couldn’t help sobbing behind my latex. I goddamn suffered for this costume so you all had better appreciate it!!!

Michael and I met up with my friend Christian on the way to the zombie crawl.

We took pictures in front of a church.

Then we found my drag mama, Miss Julie, who was hosting the event.

I want to submit this to PictureIsUnrelated.com

Someone brought a gurney for us to take pictures on.

I think I went into labor.

On the bright side, my children are brilliant budding musicians.

I ended up winning the costume contest again! I’m going to shoot to win again next year, then let someone else have a shot at it. But right now I’m tending to my red, irritated eye (it’s been pissed off at me since that night) and enjoying my $500. (That’s a lie. I already used it to pay my rent.)

Ladies, Gentlemen, and Queens, I present to you…

The Craziest Customer I’ve Ever Encountered

(A female customer comes into the store. She has silver hair and is carrying three red flowers in her hand. She looks angry.)

Me: Hi, what can I get you today?

Customer: I hate donuts. But I’m pregnant and I need to walk somewhere and I don’t want to drink or throw up. I need to eat something so I don’t have an abortion. Do you want a hibiscus? No, you can’t have one. I’m 57 and pregnant, and my husband is 59 and I hate him. No, I don’t hate him. I love him. I’m just mad at him. I’m 52. No, I’m 51. I was an idiot when I married him.

Me: …Would you like a plain glazed donut?

Customer: No, I hate donuts. But I like the taste of red. Not jelly. I like red. Do you have any red donuts?

Me: Well, we have this one with a red raspberry icing.

Customer: Okay. Do you know why Jack Nicholson is the funniest guy alive? Do you even know who Jack Nicholson is?

Me: Yes, he played the Joker in the old Batman.

Customer: He played more than the Joker! He was in One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest. You know why that movie worked so well? Do you? It’s because Jack Nicholson is actually crazy. But it’s not okay for me to do impressions of him anymore because I’m a girl. It’s not kosher. But we women have babies and they grow up and say, “FUCK OFF, FUCK OFF, FUCK OFF,” after we gave them life. “FUCK OFF!” But I bet you never said that, did you? I bet you said, “Thank you, Mom, for giving me life so I can grow up and have sex with 60,000 male concubines and have 100,00 babies and have sex with my babies!” Because you know why? Because Jesus died for his mother’s sins. Do you think Mary was on that cross screaming, “FUCK ME!!!”? But NO, she didn’t. And you know why? Because the church is jealous of you. Because Satan was not a man, he was a fallen angel. He was a fallen angel, and they just want your money. Because you’re a girl. They just want your money, and they will FUCK YOU. I hate the church. I believe in Jesus Christ. And if you don’t believe in Jesus Christ, you deserve to go to Hell.

Me: …Your total is three dollars.

Customer: I’ve got two dollars. And this scarf. It’s real silk. And y’know what? It’s not worth one dollar, it’s worth a BAZILLION dollars. Can I pay you with this scarf? Actually no, you can’t have it. I’m taking it to Heaven with me. Well, not the scarf, but the silk worms. I’m going to save them, you know? But you can’t love the Muslims, because the Muslims are infidels, right? Well, they got it backwards! Sorry I couldn’t give you a hibiscus. Ask my church for the rest of the money.

…And then she left. I swear to RuPaul this actually happened. The cooks could hear it all the way back in the kitchen.

What is my job.

GUESS WHAT I DID TONIGHT.

JUST GUESS.

…

I GOT MY LIP PIERCED.

ISN’T IT SEXY?

YES. YES IT IS.

My coworker Karissa also works as a body piercer at a tattoo parlor a few streets down, so she did it for me. (And gave me an awesome deal, too!) I dragged my other coworker Taren along with me for moral support, because I am a big baby. Evidently I made all sorts of awkward faces and strange noises while Karissa was piercing me. I’m not surprised, because that sounds exactly like me. It HURT, but then I got over it. As always, the nervous waiting beforehand was worse than the pain itself.

I’m not sure why I did it. I just wanted to. And like I said to Mama, I’d rather do these types of things while I’m young and stupid so that I don’t regret not doing them when I’m older. That got me to thinking. What other awesome stupid things do I need to experience while I’m still in my youth?

…

I want to get a crazy haircut.

Do something impulsive today, kids. As long as you’re safe. Live a little.

I’m the cover girl for the Psycho Donuts 2011 Calendar.

Y’all should buy one of these bitches.

Calendar by Marc Arsenault of WowCool.com.